Smile, smile....and be a Dawg. Somewhere, in a secret lair beneath Anaheim City, Goofy paces, a slave to his rage and sexually ambiguous dysfunction.

by B. Pilgrim


"It's a world of gladness, a world of joy........"

The Big Dawg knew no joy tonight. Not even his favorite stress reduction technique, beating to death one of the darling international children from It's A Small World, had helped. He had slaughtered his way across Scandinavia, his golf club slick with with modeling epoxy, but to no avail......still he raged.

His numerous minions knew better then to approach him when he was like this. They remembered what had happened to Chip.....Only Jiminy Cricket could come near him when he was like this...singing soothing little songs while he looked for the vein.

Goofy picked up a framed picture from the past, stared at it, only half seeing. Those were the days, he thought, when this was all new. So hopeful, idealistic. He stared at their happy, half-human faces. Look at us now...Mickey, turned onto horse in the sixties by Joplin, has been in and out of recovery ever since. Donald, whose weight balloned in those last, paranoid years. Locked away like a hermit, going through kleenex by the truckful, eating his way to an early grave....a duck with a twinkie on his back. Minnie, looking for the satisfaction that Mickey couldn't give her, till that night she had stumbled into Dumbo's cage...and never looked back. And Pluto...god...poor Pluto.......

And then there was Goofy himself, driven mad by passions no bipedal dog could control.

Raine......he still remembered the party where he met her, and that wild Snapple drenched night, as she taught him the keys to tantric power. At first, she was just another primate, but slowly, she crawled inside his small little brain....till he was driven to the dark side in order to keep her. He could still imagine Chip and Dale's reactions as they took the pictures from behind the one way mirror. Later on, he heard the talk spread...the leather, the rediwhip.....Raine's voice ringing out...."Haaakkkuunnnaaaaa Maatttattaaaaaaa", hoarse and bewildered as he taught her what "Bippity Boppity Boo" really meant (that old woman had been an education to them all). And he had it all on 35mm...and would use those pics to bring her back to him. Forever. Together, they would rule what was left of the Magic Kingdom.

Sometimes at moments like this, he regreted what they had done to old Walt. He would know what to do. "For god sake Goof," he would have said, "Have the little tart wacked and forget about her by making another picture." Goofy remembered what Disney had done to Betty Boop when that kid she had in Europe came out with mouse ears. Walt had style, and cahones. But he had had it coming....He was past it, and had had to go. If they hadn't done him, someone else would have....Jack Warner, Mike Baron, Hanna or his half-witted enforcer, Barbera. If only Uncle Walt hadn't woken up on the way down off Sleeping Beauty's castle, and called out that single pitiful...."WHY!!???"

"Why?" Mickey had shrieked back...."Why, because we LIKE you!!!"

And that laughter...that wild, psychotic laughter as the little rodent took control, at least for a few years, of the greatest entertainment empire the world had ever known...

"Noo-oo-ooo-ww-----?" Goofy Stammered. "Huunnn-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-backs and Slan-n-n-ty eyed Tras-s-s-s-s-s-ves-s-s-s-tites, H'YUCK, YUCK! G-G-G-G-GARBAGE!!!!!!"

It was all Raine's fault.....her body, her duct tape and her pain threshold had driven him mad him, and it had all come apart. Then, she went away, obssessed with this Frohike loser. Frohike........he reminded the dog of Grumpy, right before they sent him off to that height research lab. And those...people...that she had allyed herself with...The FLO....Martha, Maria Centrale, that rabbity girl, Giz....and Pilgrim....that semi-literate, latently homosexual braggart. When he was back in charge, he would enjoy seeing Raine pixelate them one by one.

It was time.

"Cr-r-r-r-r-riket.....bring me my g-g-g-g-guns H'YUCK...It's time to get this d-d-d-d-d-d-one." Grabbing the phone, he speed-dialed and heard her vocoded voice answer.

"Rai-n-n-n-n-n-e......You have Be-tr-r-r-r-r-ray--ed the gr-eat-t-t-t-test comic g-g-g-g-g-enius since H'YUCK YUCK J-j-j-j-j-jer-r-r-r-r-r-r-ry Lewi-s-s-s-ss-. What ya g-g-g-g-gonna do now?"

His voice dropped into a chilling, absurd hiss....

"H'YUCK.....You're gonna go ta Disneyworld........"

And the line went dead.

To Be Continued ...