Disney by Night:
part 4, In which Pooh, Christopher Robin and
the others try to save Piglet from a very excited Dawg.
By B. Pilgrim
Raine woke suddenly from a dream of strange-looking women with scissors
for hands...still crouched in the corner, surrounded by hand grenades
and old pop-tart wrappers.
She had heard a noise. No.....wait....yes, there it was again.
Her hand slid sensuously over the grip of her AK-47, feeling it's smooth
weight...she caressed the activation stud on the laser sight with her
fingertip, and bit her lip grimly as the little red mouse-ears played
over the wall, almost like it was glad to see her. Soundlessly she checked
the clip and eased the action back. Slowly, oh so slowly.......it slid
into the housing easily, but firmly, slick with oil and powder discharge.
She groaned silently.
Ahhhhh...she had been longing for this moment, through all those sweat-soaked
nights, longing for the explosive, body-shattering release of random urban
Now it was time.....time to rock and roll.....
She slipped out of the corner, moving carefully, her kevlar teddy clinging
to her every contour. Just as she had thought, the sound was coming from
the kitchen. It sounded like a unusually stupid pig climbing up the Statue
of Liberty. From the pitch of the grunts, Raine thought it would be on
about floor 27 right now.
Easing the swinging door open, she smelled them before she saw them....The
Tweedles. She fought down the urge to run to them, to beg them to strap
her down, grease her up and call for Goofy.....but she fought it valiently.
Obviously the Godmother's mind tricks had done their work. Disgusting
One Tweedle, she thought it was Dee, was rooting around in the Fridge,
while the other one was amusing himself by dropping cockroaches into the
espresso machine. They must be on recon, but they were easily distracted.
Raine KNEW she could keep them busy until help arrived if she had to,
but the thought made her flesh creep. She had felt their greasy stares
on her too many times...
She dropped the laser sight on the one in the fridge and hissed "The
time has come, the Headgear Princess said, to talk of many things....."
panicked, slamming into each other and falling to the linoleum. They both
immediately began to cry, slapping each other over and over again in fear.
As she heard the click of a large frame handgun cocking behind her, she
realized that she had been suckered, and had forgotten an important rule.....The
Tweedles never go out alone......
"H-h-h-h-h-h-ello Raine...H'YUCK.....Dad-d-d-d-d-d-d-y's B-b-b-b-ack-k-k-k-k,
She spun, and could hear the Godmother's voice in the back of her head..."You
can do magic believe it or not...just remember to breathe, dearie. And
remember, blood is just your body's way of saying "You have my complete
She was weakening...and she knew it......
A few hours earlier, Pilgrim was sitting in the Pilgrimobile, humming
the theme from Rawhide as he shut down the satellite uplink. He had learned
from the e-mail list that Reade was going to go Mano a Mouso with Mickey.
She had guts...no brains, but guts...and a lot of, ummmm, "stamina"
when it counted. She'd do alright. He was looking forward to her eventual
Well, that was a relief...he could leave the Mouse to the other half of
the Wonder Twins. Now, time to collect the forces.
First, he headed for the world headquarters of Macrosoft, Inc. The
software mega-company wasn't tough to find. It's pretty hard to miss a
500 foot statue of company founder and "world's richest adlolescant
loser" Jim Doors, Jr watching over the facility. There he was, 500
ft tall, with his finger up his nose, looking for his bus pass. An incredibly
It was not difficult to slip past the guards and make his way to the ultra
secret Graphic Artist Training Suite. Just follow the signs that say GOATS.
From down the hall, he could hear Kate441 dealing in a respectful, caring
way with a co-worker's question.
"Look, I don't know why you can't get your copy of "Double D
Strip Poker Deluxe" to run on this machine, and I really don't care.
For one thing, if you DO get it installed, you'll just get in trouble
with maintenance when they have to clean the underside of your desk top
every night. Besides, what is the point in oggling the pixelated breasts
of women who in real like wouldn't even urinate on you to put you out
if you were on fire, you nauseating, putrescant mass of sophmoric bondage
fantasies. Oh, and by the way, I'm washing my hair Friday night so don't
He stuck my head in the door once the sobbing had subsided. "Kate,"
he said, "Fro needs you..." She got her coat, gave in her resignation
and they were off.
he briefed her on the Disney situation as they drove to get Martha. She
was holed up inside a Citibank Cash Point, pretending that she had chained
herself in so that she could kill herself. They monitored the on-going
negotiations by Augmented Police Scanner as they slipped up to the back
Martha was crying very loudly..."I just can't take it.....My husband
is having an affair with a younger transvestite, and my dog just told
me that she's having puppies, and they aren't mine. The last straw was
that I got a letter from Ed McMahon yesterday saying I had won 5 million
dollars, but it was all a lie!! He was just trying to seduce me into buying
some fishing magazines!!! The Tramp!!!"
She was doing well, considering the fact that she was keeping this line
of patter going while she hot wired the ATM into giving her her weight
in 50's. Pilgrim knew
the sub-routine line hitch program she was using to do it. It was a very
elegant bit of coding, and while you waited for it to break the ATM's
5th generation multi-digital encryption settings, you could play Quake.
Clan FLO currently holds the world record for most kills by rocket propelled
guinea pig (a weapon and tactic devied by dear Raine. As she says, "No
one expects a Rocket Powered Guinea Pig!"), and it's all the more
spectacular becuase we play live in shopping centers. Ahhhh, memories.
There was once this Hare Krishna on an escalator......but we digress.
He got out the bull horn and shouted "Martha!!!! Fro needs you!"
"Whoops Gotta Go...thanks officer, but I feel all better now. Tomorrow
will be another day. Oh, I feel so HAPPY!!! Bye" It took her about
5 minutes to get to the car, another 2 to stuff the cash in the trunk,
and then they were off. Pilgrim and kate briefed and armed her as they
drove to get Lil' Fiver.
Fiver was currently working as a teacher's aide at Miss Molly's Kiddy
Garden. They walked into the outdoor play area, and waiting until somebody
noticed that they were there, and heavily armed ta boot. The play area
fell silent as 35 pairs of little eyes went very wide.
"FIVER!!", Pilgrim shouted. She looked up, helping a 3 year
old child climb to the top of a jungle jim. "Fro need's you!"
"Yes, Sir!" she answered, dropping the kid and grabbing her
fluffy pink cardigan. Soon they were on their way to get Maria, singing
Blue Oyster Cult songs at the top of their lungs. Ah...life was sweet.
One could almost forget that Raine would soon be hounded to death, quite
literally, by a cartoon character.
For the time being, Maria was the owner/operator of "Big Jim Halsey's
House of Former Stewaredesses". Out front, right next to a 5 foot
high plastic breast, was a neon sign that read "Topless! Bottomless!
Not Your Teenage Daughter! Unless you Special Order!" Pilgrim's kind
Once they got inside, they asked a young woman whose chest was not the
one the factory originally installed to show them where the manager was.
She pointed to the bar...and there she was, finishing off a drinking contest
with a Hell's Angel apparently named Clive (at least that was the name
tattoed on his bicep). It was all but over. They were each on their 14th
tequila. Clive was trying in vain to get his facial muscles to move enough
to open his mouth. Maria was doing a NY Times crossword puzzle. The FLOvians
walked up just as Clive went down, cracking his scull open on the bar
rail as he did so. Stepping over the puddle Pilgrim whispered "Fro
needs you" to Maria. She then patted him on the head, put the cap
back on her pen, and headed for the door without saying another word.
She only paused long enough to get the fire insurance policy from her
desk and to set the timer on the incedriary devices.
So there they were, the FLO Quick Strike team...out to kick some butt
and resell some personal effects...and save poor Raine while they were
they screeched up to her place, kicked in the back door and tumbled inside,
just as Raine collapsed into Goofy's arms, hyperventilating from animal
lust. The Big Dawg was H'Yucking hysterically as he kicked her assault
rifle to Dopey. Maria tried to set up a shot, but Raine was in between
them and Goofy as she frantically tried to get her lingerie off. Martha
looked away, Fiver started giggling hysterically, Kate opened up a beer
and Goofy and Pilgrim locked eyes. Goofy smirked.
T-t-t-t-t-t-t-o-o-o-o-o-o-o late, P-p-p-p-p-p-ilgrim. Or should I say,
M-m-m-m-m-m-icheal-l-l-l-l-l. H'yuck! I should'a done you back when you
were a k-k-k-k-k-id in Fantas-s-s-syland."
He was right.....they were too late...or were they? The silence (except
for Raine's panting and outbursts of "Damn, snaps are stuck!")
was broken by a Harley breaking through the front window.
Pilgrim couldn't believe his eyes, but it looked like it was.........
Tomorrow, part 5: The Final Battle