Subject: [babble] Disney by Night :Not exactly the happiest place on 


I drew my sword as I headed into the "It's a Small World After All" 

ride.  Nearby, I heard explosions and the rattle of gunfire.  But as I 

entered the building, silence reigned.

"Alright, you little wooden demon," I muttered.  "Show your face.  I 

know you hide out here hoping that the little Dutch girls will get it on 

with you...but they're animatronic.  They have no feelings."

I waded into the canal and started into the Zone of Happiness.  Past the 

Eskimo children, the little Laplanders, the Canadians...

Suddenly I heard a scuffle from behind the Chinese pagoda.  I caught the 

flash of a red-painted leg.  It was him!  I snarled and leapt into the 

chinese area.  Everywhere, little frozen animatronic kids grinned 

horribly at me.  It was little kid hell.

Suddenly, from the mini-Eiffel tower, I heard a kamikaze yell -- 

"Disney Foreverrrrr!" and something heavy and round rolled onto my feet.  

It was a little French head.  I managed to keep my cool.  Now he was 

mutilating the little kids.  It wasn't their fault all this was 

happening.  Sometimes, parents would ...lose... their kids at Disney and 

were hushed up with a lot of money.  Well, the kid had its poor little 

brain wired and its feet bolted to the floor of the Happiest Ride on 

Earth.  You think Kurt Crawford was weird?  He's got nothing on 


I spun around and yelled back.  "I'm coming for you, firewood!  And I'm 

gonna cut off your nose!"  

High, hysterical laughter filled the room.  "Not if I tell enough lies 

to put it through your heart!"  And an arm flew by me into the pagoda.  

Then scuffling, and silence.  But it was a little too quiet, if you know 

what I mean.

Suddenly, maniacal chirping came from right behind me.  I whirled.  It 

was him!  The crazed, dope-riddled sidekick!  Once Goofy had gotten the 

suppliers from Colombia, it had been all over for a lot of toons.  But 

Jiminy was one of the furthest gone.  His heart was pounding like a 

triphammer, and his little eyes were red and swollen.  He was really 

dangerous -- or anyway, he thought he was.  All at once he sprang at me 

with a snarl.  

"When you wish upon a ****in' star!"  He yelled.  "All your dreams come 

true!"  And he sank his sharp little teeth (courtesy of a dentist in 

Anaheim) into my shoulder.  I felt the blood begin to pour down my arm 

as I grabbed him, heedless of the teeth in my flesh.  

"The lightning!"  he screamed.  "And the fires of hell!  O mother, why 

did I ever leave the nest.  You rocked me to sleep with your wonderful 

lullabye, but it isn't true, mother, it isn't true."  And he began to 

weep and shake.  He looked at me with pleading eyes.  

"I need a fix, loa.  Do you got any horse?  I need it bad.  I can 

pay...the secret vaults in Switzerland...they know me there."

I sighed.  

"Jiminy, Walt lied.  They kept you on the drugs to keep you from 

figuring it out.  THERE ARE NO HAPPY ENDINGS."

He moaned, then looked at me.  "Give me a happy ending, loa."  So I 

broke his little neck.  At the end he just twitched a little and smiled.  

I guess he was free of the pain from the drugs.  I laid him down in the 

little Lapland sleigh.  Rest in peace, Jiminy.  The only happy ending is 

death.  Then I went after the painted freak.

I finally faced him down in the Mexican zone, after chasing him through 

America and Sweden.  He had a shortsword and his nose.  They were quite 

enough.  We sparred through Mexico and South America, panting insults 

while dodging each other's blades.

"So Pinocchio, is it true that you and Gepetto were getting it on, you 

know, off screen?"

"Is it true that you mixed up Reade and Raine the other day?"

"I heard the Blue Fairy called you the worst actor she's ever seen."

"I heard that you're a Velveeta addict."

The battle lasted a long time, while we randomly whacked buildings and 

plastic trees.  I finally scored a wound on him, cutting off his 

non-sword hand at the wrist.  He screamed and ran straight for me.  

He put a long, shallow wound in my side.  I hadn't much strength left, 

so I pulled out the big guns.

"I killed Jiminy, man.  Broke his neck like a twig...he was happy to go, 

man.   You people ruined him.  Remember when he saved your career when 

he did that charity benefit?  You were stoned out of your mind and 

writhing on the floor ... he went out and sang "A Dream is a wish your 

heart makes ... man, you hooked him on that stuff and he begged me to 

kill him, he begged me."

"I never hooked him!" cried Pinocchio, and his nose grew another inch.  

"I love Disney!  It's the freakin' happiest place on earth!"  His nose 

was dangerously overbalancing him now.  "I never wanted to be a real 

boy!  I'm happy!  I'm happy!"  and finally it was so long that his head 

tipped over, exposing his little wooden neck to me.  

"Well I hope you're happy in hell," I said and whacked off his head.  My 

sword went through him like butter and he fell in two pieces, his 

strings finally cut.  I quickly carried him outside, doused him in 

kerosene, and set him on fire.  Then I sat outside and rested, reveling 

in the screams coming from Sleeping Beauty's castle.  Reade seemed to be 

doing her job with a whistle while she worked.