Subject: [babble] Disney by Night :Not exactly the happiest place on earth. I drew my sword as I headed into the "It's a Small World After All" ride. Nearby, I heard explosions and the rattle of gunfire. But as I entered the building, silence reigned. "Alright, you little wooden demon," I muttered. "Show your face. I know you hide out here hoping that the little Dutch girls will get it on with you...but they're animatronic. They have no feelings." I waded into the canal and started into the Zone of Happiness. Past the Eskimo children, the little Laplanders, the Canadians... Suddenly I heard a scuffle from behind the Chinese pagoda. I caught the flash of a red-painted leg. It was him! I snarled and leapt into the chinese area. Everywhere, little frozen animatronic kids grinned horribly at me. It was little kid hell. Suddenly, from the mini-Eiffel tower, I heard a kamikaze yell -- "Disney Foreverrrrr!" and something heavy and round rolled onto my feet. It was a little French head. I managed to keep my cool. Now he was mutilating the little kids. It wasn't their fault all this was happening. Sometimes, parents would ...lose... their kids at Disney and were hushed up with a lot of money. Well, the kid had its poor little brain wired and its feet bolted to the floor of the Happiest Ride on Earth. You think Kurt Crawford was weird? He's got nothing on Disneyland. I spun around and yelled back. "I'm coming for you, firewood! And I'm gonna cut off your nose!" High, hysterical laughter filled the room. "Not if I tell enough lies to put it through your heart!" And an arm flew by me into the pagoda. Then scuffling, and silence. But it was a little too quiet, if you know what I mean. Suddenly, maniacal chirping came from right behind me. I whirled. It was him! The crazed, dope-riddled sidekick! Once Goofy had gotten the suppliers from Colombia, it had been all over for a lot of toons. But Jiminy was one of the furthest gone. His heart was pounding like a triphammer, and his little eyes were red and swollen. He was really dangerous -- or anyway, he thought he was. All at once he sprang at me with a snarl. "When you wish upon a ****in' star!" He yelled. "All your dreams come true!" And he sank his sharp little teeth (courtesy of a dentist in Anaheim) into my shoulder. I felt the blood begin to pour down my arm as I grabbed him, heedless of the teeth in my flesh. "The lightning!" he screamed. "And the fires of hell! O mother, why did I ever leave the nest. You rocked me to sleep with your wonderful lullabye, but it isn't true, mother, it isn't true." And he began to weep and shake. He looked at me with pleading eyes. "I need a fix, loa. Do you got any horse? I need it bad. I can pay...the secret vaults in Switzerland...they know me there." I sighed. "Jiminy, Walt lied. They kept you on the drugs to keep you from figuring it out. THERE ARE NO HAPPY ENDINGS." He moaned, then looked at me. "Give me a happy ending, loa." So I broke his little neck. At the end he just twitched a little and smiled. I guess he was free of the pain from the drugs. I laid him down in the little Lapland sleigh. Rest in peace, Jiminy. The only happy ending is death. Then I went after the painted freak. I finally faced him down in the Mexican zone, after chasing him through America and Sweden. He had a shortsword and his nose. They were quite enough. We sparred through Mexico and South America, panting insults while dodging each other's blades. "So Pinocchio, is it true that you and Gepetto were getting it on, you know, off screen?" "Is it true that you mixed up Reade and Raine the other day?" "I heard the Blue Fairy called you the worst actor she's ever seen." "I heard that you're a Velveeta addict." The battle lasted a long time, while we randomly whacked buildings and plastic trees. I finally scored a wound on him, cutting off his non-sword hand at the wrist. He screamed and ran straight for me. He put a long, shallow wound in my side. I hadn't much strength left, so I pulled out the big guns. "I killed Jiminy, man. Broke his neck like a twig...he was happy to go, man. You people ruined him. Remember when he saved your career when he did that charity benefit? You were stoned out of your mind and writhing on the floor ... he went out and sang "A Dream is a wish your heart makes ... man, you hooked him on that stuff and he begged me to kill him, he begged me." "I never hooked him!" cried Pinocchio, and his nose grew another inch. "I love Disney! It's the freakin' happiest place on earth!" His nose was dangerously overbalancing him now. "I never wanted to be a real boy! I'm happy! I'm happy!" and finally it was so long that his head tipped over, exposing his little wooden neck to me. "Well I hope you're happy in hell," I said and whacked off his head. My sword went through him like butter and he fell in two pieces, his strings finally cut. I quickly carried him outside, doused him in kerosene, and set him on fire. Then I sat outside and rested, reveling in the screams coming from Sleeping Beauty's castle. Reade seemed to be doing her job with a whistle while she worked. --loa-- |