(Or: Alas, Poor Dale..Though the Favorites of the Gods Die Young,
They Also Live Eternally in Cheesy Home Video)
In the spirit of all good governments in exile, I continue to share
information with the beleaguered populace.
I transmit this e-mail at enormous risk to my health and well-being
(not to mention my sanity, as I stay on hold with my ISP...Oddly,
the hold music they play is always from "Mulan". I choose
to believe this is coincidence...) in the hopes that someday, I will
be able to return above-ground, see the bright sunshine reflect off
a dozen rooftop scopes, pat reflexively at my body armor, dive for
cover behind a white government-issue Suburban, and, smiling, know
that all is right with the world once more.
I realize that I am drifting, please forgive me. It's been days since
I spoke with another human being, besides the ones in my old surveillance
tapes, and they are always much, much too busy to answer me back.
Still getting phone calls from Goofy, the floppy-eared bastard, calling
my anonymous voice mail box. Somehow, he has uncovered the FLO, and
in his typical delusional/obsessive fashion is trying to twist my
pure and honest affection for the little guy into something cheap
More tawdry, anyway.
I am saving the answering machine tapes for the prosecutor's office.
One message in particular sends a chill down my spine every time I
"R-r-r-r-r-r-raine (yuk, yuk) I k-n-now you (yuk, yuk) you're
there. I found out about (yuk, yuk) little Frohik-k-k..."
<sounds of breaking furniture, muffled cursing and thumping>
"That x-f-f-files perv-perv-perv.. OH DAMMIT (whooogolly!!),
YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M SAYING!! (yuk, yuk)..."
<another long silence, then a low, menacing whisper>
"You can't hide from me, Raine...You th-th-th-think what (yuk,
yuk) hap-p-pened to
D-d-d-Dale was an ac-ac-ac...OH C-CRAP!!!...Coincidence? Eisner gave
me a licence
(whoogolly!!) to K-K-KILL (yuk, yuk)!!!"
...I find myself drained of energy just thinking of this whole sorry
mess, dear Flovians...I think I shall go back to laying small explosive
charges, watching C-Span and the Disney channel, and dreaming strange,
vague dreams of Kenneth Starr as Flounder, the Cuttle Fish from the
Soon, I will be forced to venture outside for more Thorazine.