A Poet's Adventures
I haven't reported in lately because I've been exceedingly busy, purusing
KatyQ and her multiple sets of blackmail photos, videos, newspaper clippings
and other sundry surveillance evidence. But now, I'm ready to report,
and to present Raine with everything she needs to protect herself.
First, I had to gather my team; experts of every description. Marvin the
Martian, evil overlord with a disintegrato-ray and a big bag of Instant
Aliens (just add water). Bugs, our entry and exit expert. The Guys, electronics
and hacking experts extraordinaire. You know they'll do just about anything
for Raine. Buckaroo Banzai, scientist and martial artist, assorted members
of the Hong Kong Cavaliers (Perfect Tommy, New Jersey, and Reno), Buckaroo's
comrades and kick-ass backup band, and the Blue Blaze Irregulars, hearty
civillians willing to give it all up for BB and the Institute. A couple
of the Poo-istas from the Fernando Poo Hacker's Guild to back
up the Guys in a tight spot, and offer heavy duty firepower whenever needed.
Oh, and my specially bioengineered menagerie -- snapping turtles, a couple
of aging miniature schauzers, a 20-gallon tank of pirhanas, and several
circus-trained toy poodles.
Through careful observation, we managed to find KatyQ's hideout in a matter
of hours. The Guys and the FPHG revolutionaries managed to make short
work of her surveillance system and offensive/defensive weaponry. Bugs
tunneled us in through the floor. The Cavaliers and the Blue Blaze Irregulars,
under the strike team command of Perfect Tommy (he was always overeager
for high caliber automatic weapons) managed to wipe out most of the internal
opposition, aided by a generous handful of Marvin's Instant Aliens (just
Now it was my turn.
"You bitch, you traitor!" KatyQ snarled, nervously pointing
an AK-47 in my direction. With rapid-fire flicks of my wrist, I threw
my spiked poetry cd's and knocked the weapon from her shocked and unsteady
grip. The Instant Aliens (just add water) tackled her and wrestled her
to the ground. Frohike leaped to tie her up. "Did you really think
you could get away with trying to blackmail MY Headgear Preiestess?"
he said, tugging the knots tight.
"You'll never break me," KatyQ said through gritted teeth.
I folded my arms and laughed. "Oh, you'll break alright. It may take
some time, but I have a secret weapon."
"Your torture will never work. I love pain. I live for pain."
"Don't be too sure," Langly said. "She's got poetic armaments
the likes of which you've never seen. Erynn's ground SEALS into the dust."
KatyQ chortled. "SEALS are wimps. I am the epitome of toughness and
insanity. You'll never find those blackmail packets."
"Silence," I whispered. The room quieted. I began with Ginsburg's
'Howl' and some early French surrealists. Just a warmup, you understand.
I had to be ready. KatyQ laughed in my face. "Is that all you can
do?" she sneered.
"Oh no, my dear. I have exquisited aural tortures for you. Czeslaw
Milosz in Polish." KatyQ twitched. "Dante in the original Italian."
She gulped. "And then, assuming you survive 'Purgatorio'..."
I grinned with triumph. "Then... the Swinburne."
"My God," Buckaroo whispered, "not...not Swinburne."
"That stuff's deadly at 500 yards," New Jersey said, shuddering.
"It's beautiful," Perfect Tommy said with a slightly deranged
"Hey, I didn't know it was going to get this serious," Byers
said. He put a hand on my shoulder and looked into my eyes. "Are
you sure you want to do this?"
"Oh, the humanity!" Bugs said, eyes widening.
"It's no more than you vile Earthlings deserve," snapped Marvin.
"One of these days I'll rule you all!"
"I'll always stop you, doc," Bugs said with a sideways glance
at his old enemy.
"If it must be done to save Raine, then it's worth the carnage,"
I said, reassuring Byers. "That may be true, but I don't think I
can watch," he replied quietly. "It's ok," I whispered
to him, "I know you don't have the stomach for this kind of thing."
I squeezed his hand. He shook his head and quietly left the room to wait
for the inevitable.
KatyQ showed extreme stamina through the Milosz, sweating only a little
at the Slavic verbiage and the post-war angst. Midway through the 'Purgatorio'
she started to show cracks in her exterior. This far through the readings,
most strong men started to exhibit extreme signs of wear. Despite my determination
to complete the mission, I respected her endurance and willpower. "If
you'll only give us the information, I can stop," I said. This isn't
easy for any of us. Come back to
the fold and stop trying to unseat Raine as Supreme Ruler of the FLO."
Although she couldn't summon up words, she spit at me defiantly.
With a sigh, I continued through the 'Purgatorio" and started on
the Compleat Swinburne collection. Most of my team had retreated to join
Byers in the antechamber, unable to cope with the unnatural use of the
English language. My only companions were Melvin, Marvin, and the hoarde
of Instant Aliens (just add water). We were into the fourteenth gruelling
hour of Poetic Terrorism when KatyQ began to give way. It started with
violent seizures and progressed on through screaming and into incoherent
gurgles. I urged her to give in, to tell us where the packets were. If
she would just tell us, all this cruelty would stop instantly.
"P.. puh... please..." she whimpered, "make it stop...
"Where are the packets?" Frohike insisted, shaking her to keep
her conscious. Marvin and his lackeys hovered about the periphery of the
room, hoping for the chance to finish the job. Marvin had drawn his disintegrato-ray.
"Hey, none of that. Not yet, anyway," I snapped. "We've
almost achieved our goal here. Don't spoil it for me." The Martian
grumbled and glowered at me, but put his ray gun away for the time being,
fingering its butt nervously.
KatyQ sniffled, tears running down her cheeks. "Can't tuh.. take
it... anymore..." She coughed, a trickle of blood running out of
her left ear. "Here... co... coordinates..." With that, she
began shakily running through a string of global coordinates. Frohike
entered them into his laptop. "One.. one here..." she added.
"Good girl," I said, giving her some water. I shouted for Langly.
He and Byers entered the room. "Is it over?" Byers asked, concerned.
"Langly, get the Poo-istas together with the Hong Kong Cavaliers
and the Irregulars and start setting the place to blow. Perfect Tommy
will know what to do. Make sure that all of KatyQ's 'guests' are clear
of the area. Don't forget to check the jello tub rooms. I think Walter's
been here for a while now. And have Bugs search the place for the set
"Jello tubs?" Langly perked up. "I'll check those myself,"
he offered, with a twinkle in his eyes. "Sure, fine," I said,
"but don't take too long. We'll blow the place in about fifteen minutes."
"What do you want me to do?" Byers asked. "You and Mel
are going to take the coordinates and plot them out on a globe. Knowing
KatyQ, they're in a pattern of some sort. That should reveal if she's
left anything out of the information she's given us. But that can wait
until we've cleared the area and we're on our way to the airport to collect
Taking the bound KatyQ with us, we dumped her at a mental ward and checked
her in. More medication was definitely the answer for this one. This should
teach her to cross Raine, I thought. I wondered how Raine was coping with
the incipient Disney crisis for a few moments, but was brought back to
the mission by Frohike and Byers.
"We've found the pattern," Frohike said.
"It looks like a tesseract," Byers added, "but you were
right. One of the points is missing. It should be here." He showed
me a GPS display.
"Excellent work, as always, gentlemen," I said with a smile.
"Our kung fu is the best," Melvin grinned.
"Only one thing for it now," I said. "The Blue Blaze Irregulars
will fuel up the Learjet and pilot us to the strike sites. We'll continue
as before, with our objective being to recover or destroy the packets.
We will brook no resistance from KatyQ's minions."
Frohike beamed. "I love decisive, dangerous women," he said
with a sigh.
It took us most of the week to round up the tapes. The opposition took
a terrible toll on my menagerie and Marvin's Instant Alien (just add water)
forces. The Poo-istas proved themselves in battle, as well as being able
to worship their icons, the Lone Gunmen, up close and personal. One of
my beloved, dedicated Poo-ista companieros gave his life to save Frohike's,
throwing himself on a crazed, charging bionic sasquatch. He was armed
with only a spoon. Long live the memory of the brave sacrifice of the
Fernando Poo Hacker's Guild. Firm alliances were forged that week; forged
in blood, bullets, and the sting of flowing electrons.
Upon our return to FLO headquarters, I promptly set out to check up on
Raine's progress. Things seem grim. We'll wait here and defend the faith
until your return, oh Fearless Leader.
Your Dutiful Servant and Faithful Backup,
Poet-Terrorist for a Better Society
"I love the smell of napalm in the morning..."