Disney by Night
Part 5: The Final Battle! Someday, my Prince
will come...or if not, at least my pizza will arrive.
By B. Pilgrim
"T-t-t-t-t-t-t-o-o-o-o-o-o-o late, P-p-p-p-p-p-ilgrim. Or should
M-m-m-m-m-m-icheal-l-l-l-l-l. H'yuck! I should'a done you back when you
k-k-k-k-k-id in Fantas-s-s-syland."
He was right.....we were too late...or were they? The silence (except
for Raine's panting and outbursts of "Damn, snaps are stuck!")
was broken by a Harley breaking through the front window.
I couldn't believe my eyes, but it looked like it was.........
....Someone I had never expected to see again, and whom I had once
sworn to eat with fava beans and a nice chianti if I ever did.
But there he was, swinging off his Harley, carefully stepping over the
pink flamingos he had brought with him during his breakneck ride through
Raine's front yard. How he avoided the AP mines and poisioned tiger traps
I'll never know. But then, he had always been like that.
He was dressed all in black leather, from the pointy toed boots on up.
He was still wearing the motorcycle jacket with "The Lost Boys"
stenciled on the back in fairy dust. Hmmmmmm, it might be time to trot
mine out again. He held a 10 gauge riot gun loosely in one hand, a short
curved sword in the other. Ahhh...the shotgun. He used to say that he
prefered ".....Guns that leave holes big enough to see starshine
through..." My mind was flooded with fond memories of pirate hunts
in the moonlight, large breasted Indian maidens and strawberry sodas.
I smiled, I
couldn't help it. Ya can forgive a guy like that ANYTHING.
The room fell silent, as Peter Pan strutted back into our lives. He winked
at me, then went to work.
"Drop the act Goof.....Why don't ya tell the lady what REALLY drove
you around the bend. Well, ya got the guts, you over-dressed, diction
challenged cocker spaniel?"
The Big Dawg went ballistic...He shoved Raine to the ground and went
for his guns. "SH-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-H-HT UP P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-PAN!!!!!!"
Pete dove for cover, letting off a round to keep Goofy honest. "Admit
it, Rover, we're all friends here!!! When Katzenberg took over the Animation
Division, right before you had Jiminy Cricket lay eggs in his brain, HE
HAD YOU FIXED!!!! Admit it! You're just talk now, no action!!!!
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. D-d-d-d-d-d-d-die you overaged T-t-t-t-t-t-t-teeny
And so the battle was joined. It was long and ugly, so I will only give
-Fiver Blue vs. Mowgli, jumping around, hitting him again and again with
beautifully posed King Fu kicks and a pink flamingo she had picked up,
tights gleaming in the firelight, her little cape flapping. She was muttering
"POW" and "WHAMMO" under her breath, until finally
finishing him off by slamming a convientently available giant vase over
-Maria Centrale, having changed into a charming pair of peach satin overalls,
covering the still howling Tweedles in quick setting plaster of paris,
painting them green and calling them lawn elves. Then she dropped the
couch on them. The crunch and the splat were almost simultaneous. Almost.
-Kate exchanging fire with Dopey, until she yelled out "Hey Dwarf,
you're out of bullets!!!!" Dopey stopped shooting and stood up. "I
am? Oh doody!!" "Yep, and outta luck too!" answered Kate
as she pumped a clip of nine into his mishappen little head.
-Martha keeping Sneezy busy by looking for tissues for him in the patented
"Martha W. Little Endless Handbag". My but he was surprised
when she came out with a Guinea Pig Launcher. Dwarves are so trusting.
"Boom, kawump, gnaw gnaw gnaw, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The piggie ate
well THAT day.
That just left me to I drag Raine's over-stimulated little body out of
the line of fire, trying not to slip on the Jello. She was struggling,
crawling towards Goofy, mumbling "The Happiest Place on Earth.....The
Happiest Place on Earth....." as her legs kept twitching uncontrollably.
This was not going to be easy.
So I slapped her.
OK, I admit it, I slapped her a few times. She shook her head and slapped
me back. We exchanged slaps for a few minutes, and soon her eyes were
clearer and she had stopped drooling.
Just at that moment I felt those damn buck teeth bite into my shoulder.
I had forgotten all about the Big Dawg! Dropping Raine and my MP5, I rolled
on the ground in agony. In the background, I could hear Pete trying to
yank his shadow lose, after Goofy had tacked it to Dopey's lifeless little
body with a stray ginzu.
"R-r-r-r-r-r-r-aine, it's a l-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ie, H'YUCK!!! I'm a much
of a d-d-d-dog as I ever was!" But as her mind cleared still further,
she saw the truth and the shame in his glossy black eyes. It did explain
all those appliances.
She looked away, "I'm sorry Goof, it never would have worked. Anyway......"
She looked up again, one single tear rolling down her face, then she buried
a plastic flamingo in his chest.
Goofy staggered backwards, H'yucking desperetly, just in time to catch
Pete's sword up side his head. With a roar of pain and rage, he started
back towards Raine, murder in his eyes, but I stepped around her and unloaded
30 rounds from my MP5 into his chest, dropped the clip and slammed a new
one home just as Raine retrieved her AK-47 and Pan racheted up another
shell in the 10 gauge.
Goofy may be stupid, but he wasn't dumb...so he ran for it, leaving the
FLO and Pan all alone on the battlefield.
Just at that moment, my Go-Phone rang. Switching it on, I said, "Dr.
Pilgrim, Blue Blaze number one-one-four-seven, recieving!" into the
mic. It was Reno. In his terse, masculine style, he quickly filled me
in on the elimination of KatyQ and the recovery of the blackmail files.
I told him to wish Erynn well, to offer her my heartfelt salute, and to
tell her that the Quick Strike force would rendezvous with her and the
guys at FLO HQ within the hour. For a few moments, Reno
and I shared the thoughts of warriors who had faced death and life together
in the past, and had come through to the other side unscathed save in
memory's glassy eye, then I told him to give my regards to Buckaroo and
the HK Cavaliers and signed off.
As the rest of the Quick Strike team kissed Raine's magic decoder ring
in homage (except, of course, for Maria, with whom she simply exchanged
nods and the promise of sharing a pedicure appointment soon), I realized
that Pete was gone.
Ah well, we'd meet again. I could feel it. He's a natural for FLO membership,
Now...I just hope Reade could handle the mouse. None of us were up for
a seige of Sleeping Beauty's Castle at the moment if she had fallen back
into his Four-fingered clutches.
Also, where the hell is Jiminy?
The end? Await further developments.